Maybe I Have Adult Braces…

And I say adult in the least sexy way you can say it. I say adult in the “you-have-to-pay-out-of-pocket-because-your-insurance-hasn’t-kicked-in-yet” kind of adult. I say it in the “of-course-you-would-get-braces-while-you’re-trying-to-be-single” kind of way.

The line is around the corner gentlemen…

The real ass-burner here is that this isn’t the first time I’ve had them either. (Thank you wisdom teeth, you’re all a bunch of assholes.) Without getting too deep into the vast subject of body image issues, I’ll focus on a couple common annoyances with having little pieces of horror cemented to your teeth.

It goes beyond the inevitable soreness and pain which some of you may remember friends complaining about in…you know…MIDDLE SCHOOL. You can’t chew properly, talk without stuffing wax in the back of your mouth, or smile too fast because you WILL rip your lips open. Cons, cons, cons.

I am painfully self-aware of my face at all times. I might have straight beautiful teeth in the end, but it’s highly possible that I’ll also have PTSD from having to keep my mouth’s shit together at all times. I can’t just bite into things like a normal person. To your inner, ravenous, fat-kid…this blows total ass. It’s not that you can’t swan dive into that Gringos Locos burrito at 2 a.m., but you better be around people who love you. Your mouth will look like the grill of a car after a cross-country road trip – except instead of bugs it will be black beans. Or dangling tortilla. Or sexy green cilantro. Mmmm….who’s hungry?
Ripping things into little pieces so that you can place them into your mouth makes you look like a psycho. CONS, CONS, CONS.

By the way, Gwen was 30 when she rocked these.

At a whopping 30 years old, this wasn’t a good look for my Queen – Gwen Stefani.

It’s like having volunteered to be in jail for 8 months because not only do you feel emotionally and physically trapped in a certain circle of hell, you’re also not getting laid as much as you want to be getting laid. Even when you think to yourself – “I’m an adult, I’ve done this before, fuck other people!” – one immature comment from a douchebag in a Metallica shirt can send you home crying in the back of a cab. Or sometimes you get the “you look like my high school crush” comment. Or the ever too popular question, “Can you give blowjobs with those things?” Well let’s not find out, shall we? Again, FUCKING CONS.

I’m not alone, I know this. One of my best friends is also on this messy, wire-laden adventure with me. We can both attest to this leaving you feeling super uncomfortable, unsexy, insecure and ugly. Beauty is pain, ammirite?

I also realize I have provided you with ZERO Pros in this post. But here is the shining nugget of greatness: If you’re considering adult braces, it’s going to suck. However, you will have a traffic stopping, confident smile after this is all over. The people who love you and who are attracted to your light won’t give a shit. So cheers to that! 3 months and counting…Wish me luck! Or good luck to you!

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