This cat needs to get laid


My pets are driving me completely insane. Specifically my cat that has yet to be fixed. (yes, I know I need to get it done but that involves time and money.) So I’ve got this adopted dumpster cat that is super cute but she is a little bitch. I don’t even know what the things’ name is anymore. It started as Allie, then got changed to Cleo, Jill calls her Petri, I call her Little Bitch or cat, depending on the day. No one should ever let me have kids. They will have some crazy personality disorders.

Anyway, so this cat is tearing my house apart. She climbs up in my window blinds (see picture) and has ruined all of them. She also liked to push everything off of every surface in my house. If I hear a loud thud, I know it’s her, almost every time. She thinks my kitchen cabinets are her fort to play in. Also, that little thing will drag pizza across the counter and eat it when you’re not looking. True story, it’s happened.

Have you ever tried to live with a cat in heat? It’s probably one of the most annoyingly weird situations to witness. So much so that when I woke up this morning to her yowling and pressing her little cat vagina on the door stop in my room, I decided to Google “cat dildo”. What a treat! People are fucking weird. There was a whole write up in Yahoo Answers about how you can “service” a cat with a Q-tip. Apparently a cat orgasm is unlike anything any human has experienced.

What to look for:
The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.

I would like to point out that I have no intention of fucking my cat with a Q-tip. Chill out PETA.

After reading this entry out loud to anyone around to hear it, I found my bread sitting in a puddle of piss on the counter. Who pees on the kitchen counter?! Honestly. (It’s happened twice today) I’m so tempted to just let her out to go get some strange from the neighborhood cats but I’m pretty sure that whore would never come back, and if she did she would be knocked up and not know who the baby-daddy is. I’m not ready for that feline Jerry Springer shit.

Until next time, I’ll be hunting for cat piss and continuously cleaning everything in my house.

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