The ups and downs of antidepressants

anxietyIn an effort of being completely honest and open I would like to go ahead and admit to all of you that I am on antidepressants. Yes, plural. No, it’s not because I ever wanted to kill myself or I sat home alone and cried all day. For anyone suffering from anxiety, let me tell you, this was the best decision I ever made.

I’ve probably been on Zoloft and Wellbutrin for about a year or so now. With a Xanax or two thrown in here and there. Before taking them I would freak out if I were around too many people or too many moving objects that I couldn’t control.  I would also over think everything that went on in my day to day life. It’s like my brain was just constantly full crazy thoughts. If I had a conversation with someone, I would replay it over and over in my head. I would black out if I was uncomfortable and forget what I was doing. A lot of times this happened while I was driving and would get lost because I forgot what I was doing.

After having a few pretty bad panic attacks, it was time to consult a higher power. A psychiatrist. I learned more about myself in my weekly meetings with my shrink than I had in the 23 years prior. The combination of the medication, which kept me from over thinking and letting my brain send too many signals around at one time, and the real self discovery that has happened in this time has been amazing. I graduated from having to go once a week to hardly ever at all and my brain no longer feels like there’s someone playing pinball in there.

While I am happy and stable there are some negatives that come with being on medication like this. The worst being that I have close to no sex drive. The thought barely ever comes into my head. I would much rather work all day, clean up my house, read a book and go to bed. That just straight up- sucks. Another negative is that you’re not supposed to drink on antidepressants. I tried that for oh, say a week? Not a chance. I do it anyway but I do get drunk much faster leading me into some of these weird situations you’ll read about in our blog. It’s either that or I want to sleep. You also become very dependent on the meds and don’t have much variation of mood. I’m pretty much just mellow. It’s hard to get mad or really sad or even really happy about anything .  I like my crazy pills, so all of that’s okay for now.

What I’m getting at here is that you shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to see a therapist. I never thought that I would, considering I had a pretty “normal” childhood and my parents are still together and all of that other shit that a shrink digs into, but I’m so happy that I gave in.

Everyone in their 20’s is confused and going through some shit. You’re not alone! Sometimes we just need a little guidance from an outside party (costing $75+/hour) to really make us see why we do the things we do.

P.S. Please don’t ask me for pills. You’re basically asking for my sanity.

One thought on “The ups and downs of antidepressants

  1. Sharon Burns says:

    This was a great story Jen. I never had any anxiety issues until I got into my twenties. It’s so weird that things just change like that. I’m trying to work through some of the same stuff now. Some of it is better than it was but I have a long way to go. lol. I’ve never been to a psychiatrist just because I feel like I don’t really need it, but who knows….. Anyway, anytime you want to talk about this more, I’d totally be down. Maybe we can help support each other. I don’t know.

    Anyway, I love you girl! Talk to you later!

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